Weirdness on the Web: Where are the tabloids when you need one?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Where are the tabloids when you need one?

This HAS to be a blind item (for now) but the scandal will erupt fairly soon, I would think, now that this freak's youngest child just graduated from college and is on his own. None of the man's children need him for financial reasons. It's time to tell the truth about Daddy Dearest.

What magnitude of scandal would it be for the tabloids to discover that an author of quasi-spiritual self-help books on how to make a successful life for yourself actually failed in his multiple marriages (oh yeah, there's that) not due to his "personal drive for success" as he now claims but instead, had more than one wife kick him to the curb because of his perverted sexual desires and his obsessive need to pamper his penis in every way possible?

Yep. Wife Number One gave him the boot when she caught him ogling her daughter with carnal lust oozing from every pore of his body. Oh, she'd known about his inability to be faithful and his adulteries for a while but back in that day, wives put on the stoic face and tried to make the best of things for the sake of the children. It would be precisely for the sake of an innocent child that Mr. Self-Help got the boot from Wife Number One.

Wife Number Two found out it was one thing to be the mistress boinking another woman's husband but it was a whole different game when Mr. Self-Help stayed utterly true to form and continued his lustful ways by cheating on her. Gee, ya think?

If a human being has even one brain cell left in this era of AIDS, then they surely know when they have sex with another human being, they are also having sex with every person that person has ever had sex with and all the people they've had sex with and on and on. So... when one partner is unfaithful to another partner, they have robbed their partner of all choice in the matter of risking their own lives. That is unforgiveable.

Your wife or husband or other significant other's life is on the line when you decide swapping body fluids with somebody else is a perfectly fine thing to do.

So after a marriage filled with Mr. Self-Help swapping the sloppy stuff with who-knows-how-many skanks, Wife Number Two finally decided her own life was worth saving. And who did she turn to for advice and assistance? Ha ha, you got that right. Wife Number Two went to Wife Number One for help. And Wife Number One had plenty of help to give her.

Now Mr. Self-Help is on Wife Number Three who most likely is aware of the horrible mistake she's made but isn't quite at the stage where she realizes her only sane option is to dump the pig. Perhaps it will be Wife Number Three who calls ringy-dingy to the tabloids. It is not clear whether or not she knows she has a support-group-in-waiting in Wives One and Two. Now, there's a tabloid's dream scandal: all three wives, with all their documented proofs and recordings and photographs, making their case before the American public.

I don't think those religion TV shows will be too thrilled one of their popular guests may just be the living human embodiment of the devil they claim to despise.

Well... we'll see.